03. The Gym

The gym. The one place I go to to try and relieve myself of a spinning head, note the word, try. Even though I lock myself in my own world, pump my limbs on the cross-stepper, every so often popping each headphone back into my sweaty ears, I still manage to constantly look and analyse everyone around me. So much that I actually find myself after each 5 minutes looking up and thinking ‘SHUT UP!’ to the voice that is constantly going on about everyone around me.

“why has this girl got on to the machine next to me? There’s dozens free everywhere but she chooses to come to me. And she is also blonde, but much skinnier, and in trendier clothes. I know, shes come beside me to try and compete, to make herself feel good that im not as skinny as her!”, She starts to pump hard and fast, and im thinking well I’ve just done this machine earlier and all those weights and I’ve come back here to do my last cardio for the evening, I’ve been here for an hour, but I got on this machine 5 minutes ago, so she doesn’t know that. She’s competing, fine, I can pump too, bet she cant keep up. So I pump and pump and we are now going the same pace. After a few minutes I start to thank her in my head, because if she wasn’t there I’d probably be doing a lazy pace as I know im coming to the end of the workout and that I know I’ve done enough anyway. So that also leads to me thinking maybe she just wants to be friends? Or maybe it feels nicer for her to be next to a girl while working out?

After 15 minutes she gets off and struts away. Weak little tart.

I keep going at the same fast pace, really into it now, furiously pumping, furiously dripping. It’s funny how you actually don’t care how you look in the gym, yet the gym is the pot of gold when it comes to gorgeous, fit, muscular men. And even though I am dripping with sweat, when I waltz over to the weights after my cardio session, I do feel sexy. So why don’t I feel sexy dripping with sweat after hot dancing in a sweaty nightclub??

Do men look at women in the gym and think ‘she puts out!’ when you are doing cardio for a long period of time? I mean, really, that is actually how u can see if someones good in bed. Well, not completely, but at least you can see if they’re lazy or not. In the gym, when you are trying really hard and you are breaking through that wall where u just want to give up and die, you make that face, that horrible face, but apparently a beautiful face in the bedroom. You know the one im talking about. Well, perhaps it’s just me, because yes, I do look at men and think all of these things. It gets me through my workout, I don’t want to concentrate on the burn, im feeling it but if im also concentrating on other things, and having conversations in my head, then it makes it a whole lot easier!

I’ve not met anyone in the gym yet.

02. The Book Store

I frustratingly paced through the book store in urgent desire for a book to leap out at me to give me the answers. The answers to the voices in my head telling me im a nutter. perhaps I was looking in the wrong department, no, the wrong place altogether, perhaps I should run out and down a few blocks to the base of therapists that dealt with nutcases of the nation.

A book titled ’10 reasons not to fall in love’ leapt out at me. Being in love myself, I gingerly tugged at the book surrounded by other ‘down with men’ type titles, and read the back. One half of myself was in this book, but it wasn’t quite right. Not falling in love was my goal a year ago, but you can’t help it, and when it happens you kick yourself, but its not like you’re unhappy about it. So, no, this was most definitely the wrong book, so why am I still clutching it to my breast as I continue my hunt?

I start to grow bored of reading the blurbs now, it feels like a chore and I no longer want to be there, partly because I really don’t know what im searching for, I don’t know what I want.. wow Rachael, you just answered pretty much everything right there and then. What am I looking for?? God I don’t know, some understanding on why I feel the need to narrate everything I do inside my head? Why I fill my head with the most girly insecurities it becomes a comedy when I’ve mentally slapped myself silly. He loves you, he is allowed to fancy celebrities, you check people out too, but what does that mean to you? Fuck all. But I don’t fantasize about them, or any celebs, but I know guys do, and I hate that, how can I compete with that?? You also know they watch porn or have done in the past at least, another bench mark in the bedroom you cant reach! Oh but Rachael you love him, and he loves you, get over yourself! Silly girl, you’re the world to him.

This voice in my head is right.

I realise its me finding a way to tell myself im not good enough. I mean no one has ever loved me or been this loyal and faithful to me, so what’s the catch?? There must be one? Surely?? But it’s not enough, I want to be the one he fantasises about, I don’t want there to be room for glamorous ridiculously skinny celebrities!

I grab a copy of ‘Skinny Bitch’ and promptly get out of there hopping onto a bus with a heavy workout in my head.

Im going to the gym.

01. Introduction to how not to think..

We all get insecurities, some more than others. I was one of those people who you would envy though. Someone who was so sure of themselves, someone who was never phased by anything or anyone, nothing at all. Completely self confident and happy with myself; physically and mentally.

Then I met him and that all changed. I started to be unsure of things, and what is this feeling? What is this feeling brewing and filling me up to the brim like cold coffee. It was a great feeling, and always there and always strong, and always needed, but then it turned into something never quite being enough. But who am I kidding, it is there, it is right, what more could I want?

It is all very new to me. I could have told you I had this brewing inside me before, but oh no.. not this. Not until now. Now I know. That’s right, Rachael has fallen in love, she has been swept off her feet, well, not quite literally swept off my feet, lets face it im the one commuting the 5 hour trips (each way) to see this wonderful man, but it’s worth it. If someone loves and cares for you as much as this, and sees you as the centre of their world and wants nothing more to just see you happy, then why not do what u can to keep it if u feel the same way. Especially if you see its something new, if they stand out from the rest of the old flames dim lighted in your past. Yes sir. This is a special one, and im damned if I ever let this light fade!

Im as happy as they come with this, except one thing, it’s driving me absolutely crazy. I get twitchy if I don’t hear from him for a few hours, or if he says he’il call at 4 and he leaves it til 4:30, it sends me up the wall. What is he doing? Who is he talking to? Has he forgotton about me? How can he forget about me? Im the love of his life aren’t i?? who is he talking to to have forgotton about me? Who is SHE? Or is it a he?? No no, he is not that way inclined, im sure of that at least! But it’s one of those skinny beautiful Turkish girls that I could only ever dream to look like. Oh my god, he’s fallen for someone else, he’s flirting with her I know it, ohhh how can I be deceived like this. Now when I’ve fallen head over heels I get cheated on, I cant believe it, I don’t think I’ve been properly cheated on before, and now when im utterly head over heels in love with a man hundreds of miles away he is having lunch with some beautiful gorgeously skinny, yet curved in the right places, Turkish girl.

The phone rings, its him, his meeting at work went slightly over schedule. Silly girl.

This is what im talking about. I never used to get insecure like that. Why can’t I just trust how much he loves me? Probably because I’ve never been so loved before, so I apart of me is really thinking its too good to be true. How negative! I was never so pathetic.

Anyway, now he has called me im on top of the world. Im loved, IM LOVED! I want to shout it from the roof tops. Oh but just give it a few hours and I’ll soon start to doubt it again.

It is because he is far away, if I saw him every day it wouldn’t be bad at all. When we are together I never think any of these things. Actually that is not true. If there’s a gorgeous girl around I think he is comparing them to me. Wishing that I was skinnier. This is complete rubbish, he finds it amusing. He is completely and utterly in love with me. I see it in those big brown eyes of his. Looking at me with such devotion and utter unconditioned love, how could I ever doubt this wonderful man??

I’ll tell you why. Because im insecure about myself, not him, me! Since I put on weight I’ve become unhappy with myself, which is natural of course. I am doing something about it though. Im working out everyday, eating right, trying to loose weight. Once I get to my normal size I will feel like me again, then I will stop taking out all my self conscious insecurities out on this wonderful man who wants nothing more to just love me.