We all get insecurities, some more than others. I was one of those people who you would envy though. Someone who was so sure of themselves, someone who was never phased by anything or anyone, nothing at all. Completely self confident and happy with myself; physically and mentally.
Then I met him and that all changed. I started to be unsure of things, and what is this feeling? What is this feeling brewing and filling me up to the brim like cold coffee. It was a great feeling, and always there and always strong, and always needed, but then it turned into something never quite being enough. But who am I kidding, it is there, it is right, what more could I want?
It is all very new to me. I could have told you I had this brewing inside me before, but oh no.. not this. Not until now. Now I know. That’s right, Rachael has fallen in love, she has been swept off her feet, well, not quite literally swept off my feet, lets face it im the one commuting the 5 hour trips (each way) to see this wonderful man, but it’s worth it. If someone loves and cares for you as much as this, and sees you as the centre of their world and wants nothing more to just see you happy, then why not do what u can to keep it if u feel the same way. Especially if you see its something new, if they stand out from the rest of the old flames dim lighted in your past. Yes sir. This is a special one, and im damned if I ever let this light fade!
Im as happy as they come with this, except one thing, it’s driving me absolutely crazy. I get twitchy if I don’t hear from him for a few hours, or if he says he’il call at 4 and he leaves it til 4:30, it sends me up the wall. What is he doing? Who is he talking to? Has he forgotton about me? How can he forget about me? Im the love of his life aren’t i?? who is he talking to to have forgotton about me? Who is SHE? Or is it a he?? No no, he is not that way inclined, im sure of that at least! But it’s one of those skinny beautiful Turkish girls that I could only ever dream to look like. Oh my god, he’s fallen for someone else, he’s flirting with her I know it, ohhh how can I be deceived like this. Now when I’ve fallen head over heels I get cheated on, I cant believe it, I don’t think I’ve been properly cheated on before, and now when im utterly head over heels in love with a man hundreds of miles away he is having lunch with some beautiful gorgeously skinny, yet curved in the right places, Turkish girl.
The phone rings, its him, his meeting at work went slightly over schedule. Silly girl.
This is what im talking about. I never used to get insecure like that. Why can’t I just trust how much he loves me? Probably because I’ve never been so loved before, so I apart of me is really thinking its too good to be true. How negative! I was never so pathetic.
Anyway, now he has called me im on top of the world. Im loved, IM LOVED! I want to shout it from the roof tops. Oh but just give it a few hours and I’ll soon start to doubt it again.
It is because he is far away, if I saw him every day it wouldn’t be bad at all. When we are together I never think any of these things. Actually that is not true. If there’s a gorgeous girl around I think he is comparing them to me. Wishing that I was skinnier. This is complete rubbish, he finds it amusing. He is completely and utterly in love with me. I see it in those big brown eyes of his. Looking at me with such devotion and utter unconditioned love, how could I ever doubt this wonderful man??
I’ll tell you why. Because im insecure about myself, not him, me! Since I put on weight I’ve become unhappy with myself, which is natural of course. I am doing something about it though. Im working out everyday, eating right, trying to loose weight. Once I get to my normal size I will feel like me again, then I will stop taking out all my self conscious insecurities out on this wonderful man who wants nothing more to just love me.
