I frustratingly paced through the book store in urgent desire for a book to leap out at me to give me the answers. The answers to the voices in my head telling me im a nutter. perhaps I was looking in the wrong department, no, the wrong place altogether, perhaps I should run out and down a few blocks to the base of therapists that dealt with nutcases of the nation.
A book titled ’10 reasons not to fall in love’ leapt out at me. Being in love myself, I gingerly tugged at the book surrounded by other ‘down with men’ type titles, and read the back. One half of myself was in this book, but it wasn’t quite right. Not falling in love was my goal a year ago, but you can’t help it, and when it happens you kick yourself, but its not like you’re unhappy about it. So, no, this was most definitely the wrong book, so why am I still clutching it to my breast as I continue my hunt?
I start to grow bored of reading the blurbs now, it feels like a chore and I no longer want to be there, partly because I really don’t know what im searching for, I don’t know what I want.. wow Rachael, you just answered pretty much everything right there and then. What am I looking for?? God I don’t know, some understanding on why I feel the need to narrate everything I do inside my head? Why I fill my head with the most girly insecurities it becomes a comedy when I’ve mentally slapped myself silly. He loves you, he is allowed to fancy celebrities, you check people out too, but what does that mean to you? Fuck all. But I don’t fantasize about them, or any celebs, but I know guys do, and I hate that, how can I compete with that?? You also know they watch porn or have done in the past at least, another bench mark in the bedroom you cant reach! Oh but Rachael you love him, and he loves you, get over yourself! Silly girl, you’re the world to him.
This voice in my head is right.
I realise its me finding a way to tell myself im not good enough. I mean no one has ever loved me or been this loyal and faithful to me, so what’s the catch?? There must be one? Surely?? But it’s not enough, I want to be the one he fantasises about, I don’t want there to be room for glamorous ridiculously skinny celebrities!
I grab a copy of ‘Skinny Bitch’ and promptly get out of there hopping onto a bus with a heavy workout in my head.
Im going to the gym.
